Discovering that there is life growing inside you is the most magical feeling there ever was. You feel like your purpose in life instantly increases + everything becomes more important. What you eat, how you sleep, if you wear a seat belt in the car. Little decisions suddenly seem life alternating, because now a fresh new life is solely dependent on YOU.
Discovering that that same new life that brought you so much happiness is suddenly gone…is a feeling only someone can understand if they have been through it. It’s soul crushing, devastating, and mostly just feels like you got punched in the gut (emotionally and psychically!)
Miscarriage is an extremely common event. Some statistics even say that 1 out every 4 recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage. SO then why is it that miscarriage is such a taboo subject? Women are scared to say they’ve experienced it, others are scared to talk about it in the odd chance they jinx themselves, many people just dodge the topic of conversation when it comes up. Miscarriages are happening daily and often times those women who they are happening to feel like they can’t mourn or discuss their loss publicly so they are left to google and their own confused heads for answers.
I want to talk about some things that ARE MOST DEFINITELY OKAY about miscarriage. I hope this can help not only anyone who has been or is going through a miscarriage, but also help others understand a bit more what these women are going through/need.
SO to my ladies who have been through a miscarriage or are going through one now here’s what I want you to know.
IT IS OKAY…to be sad
Let’s get this out of the way. No matter how far along you were, it is most definitely, positively, absolutely okay to be sad. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
IT IS OKAY…to feel like no one understands
Even though there are many people out there who have gone through the exact same thing as you, no one was in your EXACT same situation. If you are sick and tired of people pretending they know exactly how you feel, that’s okay! It is most definitely okay to feel like no one understands, but just know you don’t HAVE to feel this way!! There are a lot of women who might not understand you perfectly, but that can totally relate. Don’t be shy to reach out to them!
IT IS OKAY…to lay in bed all day
Whether it is because your body is in a whole lot of pain, or because your heart is in an equally if not more amount of pain you’ll likely just want to hide under the covers and lay in bed all day! DO IT!! Let your body and soul heal, just don’t make a habit of it! Your comfy bed is a great place for peace and quiet, relaxation, rejuvenation, and healing. But it can also be a place that hinders your progress if you let it. Take some time to rest, but then get back on your feet and show life who’s boss!
IT IS OKAY…if you and your partner don’t feel the same way
Chances are you and your partner are both incredibly sad about your loss. Though, you might not both feel the exact same way. There is a certain attachment and instant bond that comes from being the one who is carrying the baby, so if this is more hard on you then them, don’t take it personal! OR, vice-versa! Don’t resent your partner for not feeling the same as you, everyone mourns differently.
IT IS OKAY…to let your body recuperate
Miscarriage is different for everyone. Some people’s bodies heal quite quickly while others stay in a state of pain for a while. Don’t feel like you have to push your body just because it feels like it has been enough time! Personally, I felt exhausted for weeks just by the littlest things. Some days I would take giant naps and not get much of anything else accomplished because my body was HURTING and I felt like I had no energy whatsoever! Your body goes through a whole lot during a miscarriage, especially the later it is, so be patient with it! Let it take it’s time healing itself. Don’t feel like you have to start working out instantly to get rid of some baby weight you already had gained, or that you have to go out Friday night because all your friends are getting together. REST. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY.
IT IS OKAY…to mourn for how ever long you want
Every human is different. No experience will effect two people the same. It is perfectly okay if you feel better after a week, it is perfectly okay if you don’t feel better after YEARS! Here’s the thing though, there is a big difference between mourning about something for however long you want, and letting that something get in the way of your life for however long you want. After a while you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and say “I will keep moving forward!” Because life is all about progress, so even though we may be hurting terribly inside we have to push ourselves to keep going. This does not mean that we have to hide our sad feelings, or forget our hard experiences! It means that we must take that pain and hurt and sorrow we feel, and let it drive us to be better, and do more!
IT IS OKAY…to want to try again right away
Your doctor will tell you how long you need to wait to try again for a baby. But after that medical advice, it’s okay if you’re ready to try for a baby as soon as you can. This doesn’t mean you are discounting your past pregnancy. It means you are serious about bringing life into this world and want to do it asap!
ON THE OTHER HAND
It is okay to want to wait for a while to try! Like I’ve said before, it will be different for everyone. If you feel like you need more time to mourn your loss, and don’t feel ready to risk being hurt again, take your time! There is no rush, you do you!
IT IS OKAY…to be saddened by every baby thing you see
Whether it is seeing a friend announcing a pregnancy on social media, a baby in front of you in the check-out line, or the little baby clothes you bought hidden in the back of your closest…it’s likely going to hurt. That just comes with the territory. It will be sad to see things that remind you of what was taken away from you, but everyday it will get easier little by little even if it doesn’t seem like it.
IT IS OKAY…to be bugged at what people offer you as support
People will say a whole lot of things to you on finding out that you had a miscarriage. Even people who have been through the same thing might say something that just chaps your rump! Just remember that in most cases people are sincerely trying to help, but it might not always come across that way.
IT IS OKAY…to talk or not talk about it
Some people mourn and heal by posting about their loss on social media and talking to everyone about it. Others are the opposite and wish to not share their experience and do not wish to discuss it with friends or sometimes even family. Do whatever feels right to you, but don’t feel like you HAVE to do one or the other just because of pressure from those around you. If you want to to talk about it, talk! If you wish to keep it to yourself, do it! Do whatever you and your partner feel is best for your situation!
There are so many things I wish I could say to those of you going through the terrible trial of miscarriage. Most importantly, I want you to know that you are not alone. Know there are millions of women who have been there and wish they could take that pain from you. Know that you are not forgotten by God. Growth comes through hard times. Know that however you mourn, as long as you aren’t hurting yourself or others, is the right way to mourn for you. Trust your body, trust your instincts, trust your heart. It’ll be hard. It will be painful, but know you are loved! So very loved!
I leave you with this quote that I changed up just a little…
“Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead…Some [babies] come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.” (Elder Jeffery R. Holland)